My Personal Story of Unknown Abuse

---

The Dream woman 

I met a woman in Germany who seemed like my dream partner. She had grown up in the Middle East and had come to Germany through an arranged marriage. Soon after getting her german passport, her marriage fell apart.

When we started living together, everything felt perfect. She was happy, active, and incredibly accommodating. At the time, she was unemployed, but I was financially secure, so her lack of work wasn’t an issue.

There was some age difference between us, but I was deeply committed to her. I rewrote my will to ensure her long-term financial security if something ever happened to me. She also requested control over my living will, giving her the right to make decisions if I became incapacitated. I agreed, effectively putting my life in her hands while securing her future. What could possibly go wrong?

In just two years, we took 20 holidays together. She loved dressing up and being admired, so our lives became a cycle of luxury shopping, traveling, and attending events where she could shine. She didn’t need to do any household chores, and I provided everything she needed. It felt like an idyllic life—no responsibilities, constant excitement, and a secure future.

But somehow, it still fell apart.

The Shift

After just a few months, I started noticing changes. She became distant, refused intimacy, and frequently disappeared without explanation. Our conversations turned into endless, unresolved arguments. Everything seemed to be a problem, and I found myself walking on eggshells.

Unknown to me at the time, she was using a psychological tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), which made our discussions feel surreal and unproductive. Slowly, our relationship entered a phase known as devaluation (but at that time this was unknown to me....)

She began to vacillate between wanting to work and abandoning the idea altogether. Instead, she fixated on playing the lottery, convinced it was her destiny to become wealthy without effort. Later I understood this was a typical example of Narcissist magical thinking...

I was utterly confused. How could the loving, devoted person I’d fallen for change so drastically? She convinced me the problems were all my fault, I was the only one to be blamed and, I went and tried desperately to fix things—harder than I’d ever worked on anything in my life.

I wanted so much by loved woman back.....the one in the beginning..... somedays I could feel we were making progress but soon after everything all progress was erased and the blame only got stronger.

A Harsh Realisation

One day, while scrolling through TikTok, I stumbled across a video describing narcissistic personality disorder. The behavior it outlined was eerily familiar. The video explained how narcissists initially wear a “mask” to win your love, only to reveal their true selves later. The person you saw in the beginning was a fake one..... Just a role in their delusional life....

I was devastated. Could it really be true? Was the woman I loved nothing but a facade? Had I been so blind?

As I researched more, a horrifying pattern emerged: if she truly was a narcissist, there was no way to fix the relationship. The advice was clear—leave. But how could I abandon someone I loved so deeply?

I questioned everything. Was her love ever real? Could it all have been an act? The thought was unbearable.

Still, I decided to give the relationship one last chance. For three months, I poured all my energy into trying to make things work, using everything I’d learned. But with every effort, the truth became clearer—there was no saving us.

Finally, with a broken heart, I gave her a significant sum of money to start a new life and ended the relationship for good.

The Breakup

Breaking up with someone you love is excruciating. But ending things with a narcissist is a whole different level of pain.

The coldness, cruelty, and rage I endured during the breakup were almost unbearable. It was as though I was dealing with a completely different person—someone I couldn’t reconcile with the loving partner I once knew.

But the real test came after the relationship ended.

The Aftermath

Ending a toxic relationship isn’t the end of the struggle—it’s the beginning.

I learned that what I had mistaken for love was actually something called trauma bonding. The cycle of abuse and intermittent affection had created a powerful addiction in my brain. I needed the very person who hurt me to provide relief, like an addict chasing their next dopamine hit.

Breaking free felt impossible. My mind kept pulling me back to her, even though I knew the relationship was damaging.

But there is hope. Unlike the narcissist, who is trapped in their disorder, I could heal. It wasn’t easy, and I needed professional support, but healing was possible. Over time, I began to understand the abuse, overcome the trauma bond, and rebuild my sense of self.

A New Perspective

Through this journey, I came to realize that narcissists aren’t born that way—they’re made. Most were deeply wounded as children, often by abusive or neglectful parents. This leaves them emotionally hollow, forever searching for validation they can never truly feel.

While it’s tempting to pity them, it’s important to remember that their wounds don’t excuse their behavior. They live in a world of their own creation, unable to form genuine connections or find lasting happiness.

As for me, I’ve learned to let go of the pain and focus on my own growth. Healing is a long road, but it’s worth it.

This is your story of heartbreak, resilience, and ultimately, hope. It’s a reminder that even in the face of profound pain, we can find strength, wisdom, and a new beginning.